Justin Bieber yolo’d his way into the headlines yet again this past weekend in Brazil. When the wonder boy is not busy churning out hits from his bong heart, he is hard at work stealing the heart of a Brazilian prostitute. What is that? I made a mistake? It was two prostitutes? I apologize and stand corrected.
El Biebs was caught sneaking out of the popular brothel Centauros with two females this past Friday in Rio de Janeiro. While it is not confirmed that the two females were prostitutes, it is general logic that when a person leaves a whorehouse with two people that he did not enter with, they may, in fact, be prostitutes. In addition to this Bieber left with a blanket draped over him that had the sex den’s logo on it, leaving us to believe that “being discreet about things” is not high on the pop star’s priority list.
Later in the morning he was kicked out of the hotel for breaking their rules. His management claims that the artist left due to hordes of fans ambushing the hotel. I am claiming that he and Miley Cyrus are on a tight timeframe to see who can officially lay claim to the title “Ratchet Jesus.”
Earlier Bieber had showed up an hour and a half late to his show, and three hours late to a meet and greet that fans had paid over $1000 each in order to attend. It was reported that Bieber stormed off stage during his performance earlier after getting hit by a water bottle all whilst kicking the Brazilian flags that were left on stage from fans.
This of course comes after reports that Bieber had allegedly paid a hooker in Panama City at a club $500 to have sex and smoke weed in his hotel room the week before.
Apart from all of this, there are many positive highlights that allow Justin Bieber to shine. The most notable of these events can be found below in no particular order:
-Getting out of various speeding tickets (caught on camera with no cars following him) by telling police officers that he was “evading paparazzi:” We cannot imagine how hard it must be having to deal with imaginary photographers chasing you in imaginary photographer rocket cars that turn invisible upon spotting cop cars.
-Spitting on fans: Can these fans really be mad? They have been waiting to swap spit with Sir Bieber for years, and he was caring enough to oblige to their demands (and prostitutes).
-Punching EDM DJ Michael Woods’ tour manager in the face after the EDM DJ refused to play hip hop: Can you blame him? What is worse than going to an EDM DJ’s EDM set and only hearing EDM music being played? The DJ told the shirtless Bieber to “f*ck off and put a shirt on.” Clubs can get hot, and Michael Woods should know that. Sometimes the only viable option to cool down is rip your shirt off and demand some Drake. If I do not hear at least one variation of “Starships” by Nicki Minaj during a night out I usually chalk it up as a wasted night.
-After punching Michael Woods’ tour manager, Bieber ran behind his security screaming “recognize when you see a real n*gga:” Have you ever seen or met an EDM DJ? They are the most frightening human beings on planet earth behind hipsters and Snooki. In Beiber’s defense, Michael Woods was totally not being PLUR by not playing hip hop and being unable to recognize that Bieber is a “real n*gga.” Stay black. Stay proud Justin.
-Peeing in a restaurant’s mop bucket: I cannot lie and for once I am not being sarcastic. I respect this power move. Well done.
Of course I could continue on in the glorious YOLO swag life of the mighty Bieber, but it would detract from the real point of this article.
We want to salute the audience member that managed to hit Justin Bieber with a bottle of water. With one swift throw and pinpoint accuracy that would rival Tony Romo to opposing defensive backs, you managed to hit the bane of everyone’s existence and subsequently send him to the loving arms of two Brazilian prostitutes. In the end, that is what the kid needs. Some tender love and care. And an STD test.
Canada: America’s hat.
Follow me on Twitter @BenLekDCTweet