2013 Year in Review
Today we mark the last day of 2013 and the beginning of everyone repeating that 2014 will be “their year.” Since I know you are currently avoiding getting ready for the night (otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this very line in parentheses), read my review of the year and reflect on how indubitably awkward things really became these past twelve months.
In no particular order let us recap the year MMXIII.
The Ravens won the Super Bowl:
The Baltimore Ravens somehow managed to win the Super Bowl, and Ray Lewis cried a lot. Just don’t mention that botched pass interference call, because the Baltimore fans will never admit that they basically got away with murder…
Justin Bieber took a well-needed break with two
prostitutes lady friends:
The self-proclaimed “real n*gga” (he is white, by the way) decided his life of public vandalism, smoking weed, and banging hookers was too much to handle, so he handled it by banging two more hookers in Brazil. The douchebag really needs to just retire.
Justin Bieber retired:
Proof there is a God.
Miley Cyrus is a wrecking ball of awesome:
Twerking, getting naked, and singing with a cat launched Miley Cyrus into all of our hearts this year. Whether you love her or hate her doesn’t really matter since she finally showed her machines of war.
Drake proved that he is most definitely the softest in the game:
Drizzy somehow made himself even softer than he already was this year. You can’t really start from the bottom if you were born into a rather affluent half Jewish family in Canada of all places. I would tell Drake to kill himself, but he is probably reading this right now and writing me a letter explaining how I hurt his feelings.
Pope Francis proved why he should be the Pope:
I’m not religious, but Pope Francis definitely proved why he was a good choice for the new Pope throughout 2013. Check out some of the good deeds he did this year here.
The Boston Marathon bombing:
Selfies became an art form that needs to die:
…but it won’t.
Duck Dynasty “shocked” everyone with homophobic comments:
Really guys? You are surprised that this guy made homophobic comments?
The next thing you’ll tell me is that the whole show is really a ploy and that the family really is not what you think it is…
Yes. This is before their beards.
Detroit filed for bankruptcy:
Here is Detroit before filing for bankruptcy.
And here is Detroit after filing for bankruptcy.
Kate Upton happened:
…and it was awesome.
A frog went to space:
Paula Dean said the “N” word:
Manti T’eo duped us all with an imaginary girlfriend:
Prince William had a half-blood prince:
Voldemort now on high alert.
Typhoon Haiyan devastated the Philippines and other parts of Southeast Asia:
ObamaCare aka the Affordable Care Act was launched:
Which lead to…
The Government shut down for 16 days:
The Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford smoked crack and yolo’d all year:
…and nothing was done about it.
Americans proved that Black Friday is the real life Hunger Games:
Ten people died shopping during Black Friday this year, proving that Americans will, in fact, do anything for a Klondike bar.
Anthony Weiner was caught sexting. Again:
Insert convenient last name joke here.
The Harlem Shake became a fad:
And it ended as quickly as it started, but not before the masses could take their stab at it.
Paul Walker tragically passed away in a car crash:
You can help his charity Reach Out Worldwide here.
Kanye proved that he is the Yeesus of narcissism:
Parading around stage as Jesus. Claiming to be a God. Writing songs about gold diggers, but then getting one pregnant. Kanye was still as douchey as ever all year.
Ed Snowden exposed the United States and claimed his title of master troll:
He is now the only white guy in Asia that cannot be found.
The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad proved that we love our zombies and drugs:
Why isn’t anything happening? Something is definitely about to happen. Nothing happened. Okay. I will give it one more episode and if nothing happens then I am done with this show. Why isn’t anything happening? Something is definitely about to happen…
George Zimmerman was found innocent in the Treyvon Martin case:
Nope. I’m not touching this one.
These tweets happened:
And Grumpy Cat:
So here is to the end of quite an interesting year, and the beginning of another. Stay safe tonight. Stay awesome.
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