Seriously Though
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz • @getWITZit

If you’re a lady, which I have to assume you are since you read my articles on floral pants and hats with pom poms, let me know if you agree.

In the case that you’re a man, you were either
A) Forced to read this article (by me or your lady friend)
B) Just interested in what I’ve got to say. In which case hello to you and call me.

Boys, read on so you can feel our pain

Today we shall discuss a matter of the heart. Specifically, the mind games guys play that drive us girls absolutely CRAZY.

1. Learn How to Text

Stop being stupid about how you text us, especially when it comes to punctuation. I do not mean grammatically incorrect texts. Although, grammar crimes must come to an end.

Incorrect simply means using an exclamation point instead of a period in a sentence. The period makes you seem stern, unwelcoming and unexcited. See how we could misconceive that? The simple period usage could have us second-guessing what you truly mean by your message. From here, we cry over how to respond. Then we respond in such a way that is sneaky and flirty enough that ensures a response back. See how this vicious cycle works?

2. Don’t Be Mean. But Don’t Be Nice Either.

Well, be mean enough to keep us guessing. Be nice enough to ensure we enjoy your company without wanting to rip our hair out. No girl likes an asshole, but secretly every girl does. But this asshole must have a soft side, otherwise he’s going nowhere… except for the Jersey Shore. But don’t be overly affectionate.

Don’t be one of those weird novel-texters who checks up on his girl every five minutes to make sure her homework is going well. First of all, who does homework anymore? And secondly, if I wanted to read a novel, I’d actually read one. Maybe Fifty Shades of Grey.

3. Don’t Act Like You Don’t Know Me

If we’ve met, admit you remember my name. Here’s a scenario for you:

Girl meets boy. Boy buys girl drink. Girl and boy make out. Fun for everyone until the next time they meet…

Girl says hi to boy, in a cute way of course, because girls are perfect and never creepy or psychotic. Boy “forgets” girl’s name. No you didn’t, stupid boy. You remember. And for whatever reason you’re choosing to forget. But remember boys, girls are perfect and never creepy and never psychotic, so it would be totally normal for them to tell everyone how much you suck.

4. Don’t Act Like You’re The Shit

Thinking you are superior in every way. For example, when writing this article I had a small case of writer’s block. I needed a few more great examples of how guys suck mostly all of the time, so I turned to a professional. This professional is none other than a boy. I asked this boy for an example of something he does that isn’t favorable.

“Guys shouldn’t stop doing anything,” he began. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This was my aha moment.

5. Be a little less comfortable.

I’m so happy that you feel comfortable enough around me to be yourself. Truly, it’s magical. Just please, please, please, keep your bodily functions to yourself. That is all. Thank you.