7 Ways to Stay Warm during the Winter Storm

By Ben Lek in Get in Style, Lifestyle
Sunday, January 5, 2014, 5:58am. (Updated: 1/29/14 at 3:24pm) Add comments

Next week the United States (especially the Midwest) will be facing one of the coldest Arctic outbreaks since the 1990’s. Men, prepare for major shrinkage, because Mother Nature is about to thoroughly embarrass us. The struggle to stay warm will be real next week. Really, really real.

weather

Here are some suggestions on how one could potentially keep themselves from suffering from hypothermia during these upcoming days.

frozen meme

 

 

Take an impromptu vacation:

Leave. Leave fast and don’t look back. Consider going to South America to discover yourself and find your spirit animal. Take a cruise to a deserted island and claim it as your own while raising your own army of monkeys with rocket launchers on their backs. Return when it warms up with said army of monkeys with rocket launchers on their backs and proceed with your plans of world domination.

vacation

monkey-shooting-gun

vacation-in-Belize-ca-VeJb

 

Sex:

Whether you’re taken or not, now is the time to use sex as an excuse to sweat and stay warm. Find a lady friend with little to no morals or standards that is willing to fellaish you. It’s a new year anyway, so people are totes trying to find that new special someone.

 

Fashion:

You now have an excuse to conjure up obscure outfits that will be acceptable given the weather conditions. Mix and match anything you can find that is warm. I am currently wearing 80’s leg warmers, because screw you it’s cold, that’s why.

jackets

randy-a-christmas-story

Here is a picture of me currently at work.

me

 

Stay away from kandi ravers:

Kandi ravers are an evolved form of humanoids that are impervious to the cold. They consistently insist that it is “not that cold” while they are half naked making snow angels and blasting some obscure DJ set they found on Soundcloud. Don’t feed into their lies that their superfluous amounts of kandi and PLUR give them superpowers that keep them warm. The cake is a lie.

rave girl

 

Drink:

It is no secret that drinking makes you feel warm. Whether it’s hot chocolate or hot chocolate with Baileys and Jameson use the cold as an excuse to get turnt and hungover. Just don’t drink and drive.

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The outdoors should be avoided at all costs:

This is an obvious one, but stock up on food and alcohol and stay indoors. Screw the hippies that want to take romantic nature walks in the park. Now you have a reason to be lazy and you should abuse it.

#whitepeople

 

Use your furry companion for help:

Your dog and cat love attention. Use that as leverage for living foot warmers. If you don’t have a cat or dog, create a distraction and steal a friend’s or neighbor’s.

ground-too-colddog wintercoldcatdog feet

 

So layer up and brace yourselves, because winter is definitely coming.

winter

weather-ice-storm-1jsgp4j

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Follow me on twitter: @BenLekEchostage

4 Responses to “7 Ways to Stay Warm during the Winter Storm”

  1. […] It’s no secret, Washingtonians like their booze.  DC ranked 9th in a poll of the “Top 25 Drunkest Cities in the US” reported by the Daily Beast.  DC was also ranked #1 for “Drunkest Singles in America”.  But what are we to do? How else are we expected to keep warm in this weather? For some advice check out “7 Ways to Stay Warm During a Winter Storm”. […]

  2. […] Oh boo hoo, the gym, your favorite coffee shop or your favorite nightclub is closed. Really?  Just because you may live around the block, doesn’t mean the employees or owners do.  You should use this time to hunker down and enjoy some relaxing time at home or follow this guide for 7 Ways to Stay Warm during the Winter Storm. […]

  3. […] bow ties and sear suckers quite like DC.  That’s why if you ever planned to leave DC due to the Polar Blast, you may find yourself out of fashion next to the casual Southern and Western styles, just see our […]

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