Next week the United States (especially the Midwest) will be facing one of the coldest Arctic outbreaks since the 1990’s. Men, prepare for major shrinkage, because Mother Nature is about to thoroughly embarrass us. The struggle to stay warm will be real next week. Really, really real.
Here are some suggestions on how one could potentially keep themselves from suffering from hypothermia during these upcoming days.
Take an impromptu vacation:
Leave. Leave fast and don’t look back. Consider going to South America to discover yourself and find your spirit animal. Take a cruise to a deserted island and claim it as your own while raising your own army of monkeys with rocket launchers on their backs. Return when it warms up with said army of monkeys with rocket launchers on their backs and proceed with your plans of world domination.
Whether you’re taken or not, now is the time to use sex as an excuse to sweat and stay warm. Find a lady friend with little to no morals or standards that is willing to fellaish you. It’s a new year anyway, so people are totes trying to find that new special someone.
You now have an excuse to conjure up obscure outfits that will be acceptable given the weather conditions. Mix and match anything you can find that is warm. I am currently wearing 80’s leg warmers, because screw you it’s cold, that’s why.
Here is a picture of me currently at work.
Stay away from kandi ravers:
Kandi ravers are an evolved form of humanoids that are impervious to the cold. They consistently insist that it is “not that cold” while they are half naked making snow angels and blasting some obscure DJ set they found on Soundcloud. Don’t feed into their lies that their superfluous amounts of kandi and PLUR give them superpowers that keep them warm. The cake is a lie.
It is no secret that drinking makes you feel warm. Whether it’s hot chocolate or hot chocolate with Baileys and Jameson use the cold as an excuse to get turnt and hungover. Just don’t drink and drive.
The outdoors should be avoided at all costs:
This is an obvious one, but stock up on food and alcohol and stay indoors. Screw the hippies that want to take romantic nature walks in the park. Now you have a reason to be lazy and you should abuse it.
Use your furry companion for help:
Your dog and cat love attention. Use that as leverage for living foot warmers. If you don’t have a cat or dog, create a distraction and steal a friend’s or neighbor’s.
So layer up and brace yourselves, because winter is definitely coming.
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