Drinks Guys Should NEVER Order

By Peach in Get in Style, Lifestyle
Thursday, April 12, 2012, 2:00pm. (Updated: 5/05/12 at 2:31am) Add comments

P***y-A** Drinks = No P***y for You

Stop ordering them or never get laid again!

These emasculating, sugary concoctions not only drop a male’s testosterone down to skirt level…
…they can turn the most savage beast into a rainbow puking unicorn.

“Oh boo hoo, I don’t like the taste of alcohol but love getting white girl wasted!”

If a guy approaches you at a DC nightclub with one of these drinks, make sure his next one tastes like gasoline!

Malibu

Guys Drinking MalibuNot only does Malibu taste like suntan lotion, it might as well have a removable bikini on the bottle.

Think: the alcoholic’s answer to Aunt Jemima.

Nothing about the word ‘Malibu’ sounds masculine. You have ‘Malibu Barbi’, the mid-sized ‘Chevy Malibu’ sedan, and the song ‘Malibu’ by Hole lead singer Courtney Love… which is the most masculine of the three.

If you really want to femme-it-up, just go all out and order Malibu’s bastard child: the Pina Colada!

Apple Martini

Apple Martini DoucheThe martini is considered a staple of masculinity, popularized by the old greats like James Bond.

But nothing is more unattractive then having your date pound an Appletini.

When you mix in the neon green color with a super ladylike martini glass and cherry garnish, you have ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Banana Hammock’.

Amaretto Sour

Amaretto DoucheAmaretto sours are only acceptable for high school girls.

Place this order and the next thing you know you’ll be watching The Notebook and knitting a Snuggie for your kitten!

The flavor Amaretto is only acceptable when secretly hidden in desserts you are force-fed at some point in your life (like wedding cakes) or an unsuspecting glaze at Cinnabon.

Sex on the Beach

Sex on the Beach

Don’t be fooled by the name!

Sex on the beach should taste like sandy butt crack, sunscreen, fish, latex and salt… not a liquid fruit salad.

Rolling through the club with a sex in the beach in hand will have you farther away from ever having sex on the beach or simply sex in ‘real life.’

Cosmopolitans

Cosmos n Sex in the CityAre you meeting up with your gal pals to chat about the Oprah book club, discuss the your South Beach diet’s progress, and watch Sex in the City reruns?

While watching those reruns, check to see if you EVER notice a man drinking a cosmo!

While Carrie’s masculine jaw and Samantha’s overtly sexual behavior may be confusing, it’s a strictly female cocktail, not strictly dickly.

Wine Spritzers

White Wine Spritzer

It’s hard to even say “spritzer” without adding a girlie lisp into your voice.

“Can I have a white wine spritzer, and my balls on a silver platter?”

You know who drinks spritzers? Old ladies and preppie interns from New England on Capitol Hill.

White Russians

White RussianDrinking breast milk is more masculine than this fake-me-out Russian, milky libation.

Russians must be ashamed to have their name on such a wimpy cocktail!

You’re not the Big Lebowski: be a man and have your vodka straight up, with a side of chest hair!

Smirnoff Ice

Smirnoff Ice Douche

Thanks to the toxic heyday of Zima, these alcoholic sodas are in every 7-Eleven and college bar across America.

Under no circumstances is any sort of clear malt beverage flavored like fruit (Bacardi Silver, Smirnoff Ice, Mike’s Hard Lemonade) acceptable.

These low-alcohol content drinks are like beer with training wheels and for lazy people who cannot be bothered to mix a proper drink.

Okay, time to put on the big boy pants, take off the skirt, stop drinking girlie drinks and check out this video!

4 Responses to “Drinks Guys Should NEVER Order”

  1. JMS says:

    Whoever wrote this, probably watches ‘The Jersey Shore’ a bit too much. The way I see it, a drink is a drink. Being a bartender, I’m expected to have knowledge on how to make certain cocktails. Having tasted some along the way, has made me a fan of some: Mojito, Sex on the Beach, White Russian, Sangria, etc. I also prefer ‘Smirnoff Ice’ to beer, simply because I think it tastes better.

    This whole ‘girly drink’ fad is an illusion created by college frat kids and yuppies across America, who are probably about as masculine as a Drake song. Yet they seem okay with drinking crappy beer & cheap Tequila…

  2. userDCsucks says:

    Drink most of these drinks, and never sleep alone unless I want to! Keep observing & bitching other people and their drinking habits at the clubs before you go back home and spank the monkey watching you porn!

  3. Messiah says:

    This was written by a girl, who is also a bartender, who would never watch the Jersey Shore.

  4. Sean says:

    but I like Mike’s Hard Lemonade

Leave a Reply

(required)

(required)

Designed by DC Nightlife, DC Nightclubs, and DC Clubs.  ©2015 DC Clubbing 1424 K Street NW, Suite 102, Washington, DC 20005. | Privacy Policy