P***y-A** Drinks = No P***y for You
Stop ordering them or never get laid again!
These emasculating, sugary concoctions not only drop a male’s testosterone down to skirt level…
…they can turn the most savage beast into a rainbow puking unicorn.
“Oh boo hoo, I don’t like the taste of alcohol but love getting white girl wasted!”
If a guy approaches you at a DC nightclub with one of these drinks, make sure his next one tastes like gasoline!
Not only does Malibu taste like suntan lotion, it might as well have a removable bikini on the bottle.
Think: the alcoholic’s answer to Aunt Jemima.
Nothing about the word ‘Malibu’ sounds masculine. You have ‘Malibu Barbi’, the mid-sized ‘Chevy Malibu’ sedan, and the song ‘Malibu’ by Hole lead singer Courtney Love… which is the most masculine of the three.
If you really want to femme-it-up, just go all out and order Malibu’s bastard child: the Pina Colada!
The martini is considered a staple of masculinity, popularized by the old greats like James Bond.
But nothing is more unattractive then having your date pound an Appletini.
When you mix in the neon green color with a super ladylike martini glass and cherry garnish, you have ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Banana Hammock’.
Amaretto sours are only acceptable for high school girls.
Place this order and the next thing you know you’ll be watching The Notebook and knitting a Snuggie for your kitten!
The flavor Amaretto is only acceptable when secretly hidden in desserts you are force-fed at some point in your life (like wedding cakes) or an unsuspecting glaze at Cinnabon.
Sex on the Beach
Don’t be fooled by the name!
Sex on the beach should taste like sandy butt crack, sunscreen, fish, latex and salt… not a liquid fruit salad.
Rolling through the club with a sex in the beach in hand will have you farther away from ever having sex on the beach or simply sex in ‘real life.’
Are you meeting up with your gal pals to chat about the Oprah book club, discuss the your South Beach diet’s progress, and watch Sex in the City reruns?
While watching those reruns, check to see if you EVER notice a man drinking a cosmo!
While Carrie’s masculine jaw and Samantha’s overtly sexual behavior may be confusing, it’s a strictly female cocktail, not strictly dickly.
It’s hard to even say “spritzer” without adding a girlie lisp into your voice.
“Can I have a white wine spritzer, and my balls on a silver platter?”
You know who drinks spritzers? Old ladies and preppie interns from New England on Capitol Hill.
Drinking breast milk is more masculine than this fake-me-out Russian, milky libation.
Russians must be ashamed to have their name on such a wimpy cocktail!
You’re not the Big Lebowski: be a man and have your vodka straight up, with a side of chest hair!
Thanks to the toxic heyday of Zima, these alcoholic sodas are in every 7-Eleven and college bar across America.
Under no circumstances is any sort of clear malt beverage flavored like fruit (Bacardi Silver, Smirnoff Ice, Mike’s Hard Lemonade) acceptable.
These low-alcohol content drinks are like beer with training wheels and for lazy people who cannot be bothered to mix a proper drink.