The Break Up Guide for Guys
Washington DC sex scandals have provided some great blueprints for the best way to break up with your girlfriend. Case and point: Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton (but she stayed), Newt Gingrich, Bob Packwood (what a name!) and more. We’ve watched carefully, taken notes and found the best methods to provide girls in DC with more single guys.
Get Wasted and Go From There
Yeah, we just used a picture of Big Ben.
Just get tanked and let go. Starting a fight at the bar would probably embarrass and piss her off, but you might get beat up and thrown in jail. Not recommended.
It’s probably safer to get wasted, say some really effed up things and then leave her stranded somewhere. Or you could just hook up with some random chicks… or one of her friends. That’d probably do it.
Be Nice – Lie
The truth hurts, so just lie. You probably do it all the time anyway. Just make sure it sounds good, but not too good.
• I think we need a break
• I love you, I just need some space for a bit, we’ll be back together soon.
• My mom/dad is really sick and I just can’t give you the attention you deserve right now.
Then just let it fade into darkness.
Be a Dick – Tell the Truth
You definitely might get hit, but hey, she’s the one who wants you to be honest with her.
• I just want to be friends
• I’ve found someone else
• I can’t stand the sound of your voice
• I no longer find you attractive
There’s probably a really nice way to say how you feel – so maybe tell the truth in a nice way or something (ie lie).
Start a Fight, Then Ignore Her
For all intents and purposes, this is the most f***ed up way to break up with a girl. You sure as sh*t better hope she’s not a psycho or you’re screwed.
Start a fight and wait for her to say something really messed up. It has to be close to unforgivable. Then blow up and tell her it’s over. You can’t believe she’d stoop that low. Tell her to go to hell and that’s that.
You’ll have to ignore any and all attempts by her to apologize. And you better pray she doesn’t start showing up at your work or home. Just make sure you don’t give in to the temptation of make up sex.
Take Her to a Nice Steak Dinner
And never call her again! Honestly, this could be the best way to break up if you want to remain friends or if you really do care.
Take her to dinner or have dinner together at home. Delicately bring up your issues. Be nice, be honest, be warm but firm (that’s what she said). At the end of your talk softly say that for those reasons you don’t think you can be together anymore. If you’re at home she’ll cry and you should console her. If you’re in public she may cry and you should probably run to avoid embarrassment.
Here’s a tip – pick up the check before you start the break-up. And maybe have a cab waiting or the valet ready.
Air It Out on Facebook
No need to post a rant on her wall. That just makes you look bad.
Simply change your status and wait for the fallout. You don’t even need to talk to her. But you will most likely have to block her cause the fallout ain’t gonna be pretty.
Send a Letter
You could write a heartfelt letter or you could draw a picture of you riding a giraffe.
In all seriousness, if you don’t have the balls to break up with her in person or follow one of the schemes we’ve already discussed, then you kinda deserve to be whipped.
And if you can’t even take the time to hand write a letter and you just send an email – then you’re just plain lazy.
Ask Her to Go Above and Beyond
Be careful, cause this could seriously backfire.
Ask her to move in with you. Ask her to marry you. When she says no tell her that if she can’t commit then you can’t be together.
This is reeeaaally risky for obvious reasons.
We’re not necessarily telling you to actually do this stuff, then again, we know people who have. In all seriousness, you should probably be nice about breaking up. Karma is a b*tch, then again, she might be too.Tweet