The Break Up Guide for Girls
“Breaking up is never easy,” that’s what ‘they’ say, but it can be. Just like Paul Simon said in his 1975 hit (later remixed by Kid Cudi) “There must be fifty ways to leave your lover”. Here are a few to get you started on the road to freedom!
Rip It Off
Just like a Band-Aid. Prolonging the situation only makes it worse. Tell him, simply, kindly, but firmly. Dragging the relationship out only makes it worse. You wouldn’t want a guy to waste your time, so don’t waste his.
Don’t Make a Big Production
Skip the blame game. It’s over, who cares who did what. Keep it short. “It’s not working out. Peace!” Then delete his number so you are not tempted to go on a month-long texting rant with him.
Don’t Make Up An Elaborate Story
Saying you are moving to Yemin or your grandmother is dying only makes life more complicated. Cut to the chase, tell him you don’t like his soul patch or the way he leaves the toilet seat up (total deal breakers), no need to beat around the bush.
Too much of a wimp to pull the cord on this relationship? Drive him away with your bad habits. Skip a shower, or ten. Start working on those dreadlocks. Ditch the razor. Don your Snuggie and Uggs (in public). Let your gas seep and your teeth rot. Pee standing up. It’s only a matter of time before he runs for the hills.
Some guys just don’t get it. Maybe it’s time to take that trip to Cabo. Or maybe it’s time to move, period. Who knows what kind of psycho you were dating. For the hard cases, if it’s just not sinking into his thick skull, there is no time like the present to flee to Mexico, dye your hair and claim a new identity!
The Classic Break-up
Using the old standby lines “It’s me, it’s not you”, “I need to focus on me now.” Those are classic lines and if you don’t care about this guy at all, go for it. The problem may arise when he thinks that when you are done ‘focusing on you’ you will come back to him.
Get Your Sh*t and Go!
If you live together, or have an oh-so-generous drawer at his place, get your things backs prior to the break-up. Make sure to line up new living arrangements if you live together or slowly take your things back to your place. This will avoid never getting that ‘Duran Duran Greatest Hits’ album back or being homeless. If he has a drawer at your place, place his belonging in a locker at a bowling alley or bus terminal and bring the key as a parting gift.
Dating insurance! Make plans with a friend prior to the big sit down. This way you can break the news and get on with your night so he can’t lure you into an emotional boo-hoo never ending breakup conversation. Bring ‘em too! There’s always strength in numbers!
Send a Tweet!
So it’s not the most politically correct way to dump a guy, but maybe you don’t really care about them, or maybe they are a crybaby, or a jerk. If you just don’t care, shoot a text, email, or tweet.
Make a break-up date and stick to it. Go to lunch or for coffee and drop the hammer. Guys will be less inclined to cry or make a scene in public during the daytime. Then you can check that break-up off your to-do list and get on to the next victim…or boyfriend.
A sure-fire way to lose a guy- sleep with his best friend! You will be on the receiving end on this one, but it will take the burden off of being the dumpee while getting some of your own action between the sheets.
Perhaps Nada Surf said it best “Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected. Even if you’ve gone together for only a short time, and haven’t been too serious, there’s still a feeling of rejection when someone says she prefers the company of others to your exclusive company. But if you’re honest, and direct, and avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you break the news, the boy will respect you for your frankness, and honestly he’ll appreciate the kind of straight forward manner in which you told him your decision. Unless he’s a real jerk or a cry baby you’ll remain friends!”