Please Stop Doing These in DC Clubs
Ok, you’re not going to a Polo match with the Queen of England, but please control yourself!
Avoid these obnoxious urges and you will be a model of proper club etiquette!
Tequila? Check. Lime? Check. Belly lint? Check.
Hell yeah, it’s 1999 spring break in Daytona all over again!
“Excuse me! Can all you customers please remove your drinks from the bar so I can lay down and have rail tequila poured in my naval while my dirty feet stink up your face? Kthanks!”
Holding Everybody’s Hands in Your Group
Couples? Ok. But not the group of 8 that’s lined up like they’re about to do the bunny hop.
Your linked train that’s pushing through the club and ignorantly bulldozing guests NEEDS TO GO!
“Red Rover, Red Rover, send douche bag on over!”
Bathroom Stall Gang Bang
Not since infancy should going to the bathroom ever be a two-person sport.
Bathroom twosomes or threesomes can only mean:
1. Something’s going up your nose – that’s illegal!
2. You’re hooking up – get a room!
3. You’re throwing up – know your limit!
Holding Up the Line at the Bar
Nothing is more annoying that the customer who takes FOREVER at a crowded bar.
These snails never know what they want to order, never have their money ready, and never get out of the way!
Check out The Worst Ways to Order a Drink!
Taking Off Your Shoes
You are NOT at the beach!
Taking off your shoes is gross: club floors are often be littered with trash, glass, sticky drinks, and unsavory bodily fluids.
No need to share your athlete’s foot or put your dirty shoes on the bar next to someone’s drink!
Stealing from the Bathroom Attendant
Isn’t stealing a lesson every child’s supposed to learn?
The bathroom attendant deals with drunk hoards every night. Why? Cuz everyone has to pee!
Attendants usually offer guests candy, gum, hair spray, perfume, and it’s NOT FREE! Show some respect and tip!
Cool it, Willow Smith!
You might think it looks sexy but when you’re sweating like a pig on the dance floor, your hair is more like a wet towel.
Please keep your dandruff flakes to yourself.
While dancing is a natural part of clubbing…
…some people take it to the level of soft-core porn and might be better suited at the Motel 6 than a dance floor!
At this rate, fingering and hand jobs on the dance floor may as well be the new industry standard (you know you’ve seen it)!
Fire Island – Go for it! In DC, this is just unacceptable.
Summertime: Outdoor events. Why not?
DC nightclubs: No. Save it for Chip n Dales.
Excessive Glow Sticking
Glow sticks are nearly synonymous with clubbing. In spite of this, there’s still a big difference between small glow stick accessories and obnoxious glow stick weaponry.
Glow stick nunchucks = epileptic seizure!
The last thing you want to say in the ER:
“I got a assaulted by a translucent plastic tube containing isolated substances that, when combined, make light through chemiluminescence.”