You unsuccessfully texted all your ex-girlfriends and young ladies you met at Lima’s College Night. You failed to convince that cute girl in class or your sexy coworker that the two of you should get coffee. You took a yoga class out of desperation, but the woman in front of you didn’t magically slip and downwards-dog into your lap.
So you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day? No problem!
Instead of giving in to Hershey’s, Hallmark, and Kay Jewelers (praying her panties drop), spend Valentine’s Day doing the things you want to be doing: MAN things! After all, you still have 364 days in the year to get laid.
Watch Action Movies
Exploding helicopters, sick fight scenes, and endless machine gun clips!
We recommend the Die Hard and Lethal Weapon series. Or anything with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jackie Chan, and mediocre acting.
No cosmopolitans. No appletinis. No cranberry vodkas. No Smirnoff Ices.
In the words of the great Homer (Simpson): “Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life’s problems.”
Epic Meal Time
Sirloin steaks. Bacon strips. Fried chicken. Buckets of cheesy fries. Guacamole and nachos. Extra large pepperoni pizzas.
Everyone loves food, but let’s get real: she can’t eat more than you!
Build a model airplane. Assemble that chair from Ikea. Paint your room. Unclog the toilet (especially if you just participated in Epic Kitchen Time).
If you’re not very handy, take a wood shop class!
Nothing gets the old adrenaline glands pumping quicker than plummeting hundreds of feet to the ground with little more than an elastic rope holding onto your ankles.
You’ll feel like you cheated death!
Guaranteed to rattle your teeth, put grass and mud stains on your clothes, bruise your body, and make you feel tough.
After all, it’s a lot like football… except without the pads.
Nothing says “kiss kiss bang bang” louder than the BANG BANG of an assault rifle.
Make sure you know basic firearm safety before trying this one at home. Better yet, seek out a professional shooting range.
Get out in the countryside and peg the meter!
Just watch out for Officer Dick and his radar gun: this joyride can land you serious points on your license or worse.
It might be February but nothing screams Man vs. Wild more than a night out under the stars with little more than a tent, sleeping bag, change of clothes, and can of baked beans.
These lovely ladies will work a sturdy pole and hop on your lap for about the same price you’d pay for Valentine’s Day gifts.
Best part is you hardly even have to talk with them!