Oh the coveted summer tan. As soon as the snow melts, hoards of the tanning obsessed seek out the most bronzed buns that tanning beds, spray on tans, or good old-fashioned killer cancer rays from that fiery ball in the sky have to offer. A summer glow can look fashionable, but some freaks take it too far. Now that summer is almost over take a look at those who went off the deep end, the tanorexic!
Everyone loves a nice vintage Coach bag, but looking like leather goods is not sexy. Your over tanned hide is reptilian and scares children.
Oompa Loompa Tan
The Oompa Loompa tan pays homage to the infamous little people who starred in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ made famous by their glowing orange tans. This tan is common among teenage girls, guidos and anyone seeking a tan straight from the bottle or spray machine.
Everyone heard about the tanorexic Queen of the Jersey turnpike, Patricia Krentcil, the New Jersey mother, accused of putting her 5-year-old girl in tanning bed, and was looking at a potential 10 year prison sentence. Admitting to tanning in a tanning bed at least 5 times a week, the 44 year old looks more like she is approaching the century mark. At least there are not tanning beds in the penitentiary.
Somewhere down the line, fake and baking jumped the gender line and now some males find it perfectly acceptable to spend their afternoons at a tanning salon. When did these gender bending males torpedo past the metrosexual line full force into fake tanning obsessed douche bags?
Palm Beach Creeper Tan
So you have made it to Death’s waiting room, Palm Beach, give up on the tan! It’s like old ladies shopping at Forever 21. Like filling cracks in the sidewalk with cement. It’s no longer a ‘youthful glow’, it’s a desperate grasp to hold onto the days of yore. Let it go, pale is the new tan.
Some people are just too white to see the sunlight…EVER. You know the ones, they require 75 SPF, a giant hat, umbrella, and shade and they STILL get burnt to a crispy shade of lobster. If you have pale skin, embrace the Vampire trend and keep your pale ass in doors until the sun goes down.
Juice Head Tan
Quite possibly the most unattractive way to deform ones body, these muscle clad juice heads paint their over bulged bodies with a lovely shade of pumpkin toast. Wouldn’t want to be around when the tan fades and the muscles deflate.
Tan Line Fail
This is where sunscreen and simplicity comes into play. If you’re going to be out in the sun, prepare yourself by coating your limbs in a high SPF and wearing a simple ensemble. Bathing suits with cutout patterns and giant sunglasses may look stylish for the moment, but it’s going to take a lot longer for that crazy tan line to fade, then you spent showing off your jorts.
Over-tanned Club Douche
One part over gelled spikey hair, one part duck face, one part greasy orange sheen. Lucky for girls on the prowl, these overtanned club douche bags are easy to spot and thus avoid. This look screams, I live in my moms basement, she folds my underwear, and I sell Cricket phones at a kiosk at the local Galleria. Wanna pay for your own drinks girls…?
Nothing like prepping these Toddlers and Tiaras for a life long skin problems. Tanning ages the skin like nothing else. By the time these tanning tots get their driver’s license they will look like old leather face in the first photo in this series. Maybe mom took the bedtime story of Hansel and Gretal a little too far and actually did stuff her kid into the oven (er, tanning bed)…