It’s hot, it’s sticky, what do you do, slap on a pair of jorts and cool those thighs off. In fact, just take a pair of scissors and have at those old jeans. Tear em right off your body with pride! But beware! Only a very small percentage of humans can get away with jorts of any kind.
What are jorts, you say?
Jorts are just jean shorts. Get it jeans+shorts=jorts? Though like most styles, jorts can be your best friend or your worst nightmare. Let’s go over the folks who were terribly misled by this style which can easily go horribly wrong and having you look better suited to married your sister than rock the trendiest DC nightclub or DC beach party.
Short Man Jorts
Men, boys, those with a male part, should never ever wear jean shorts, jorts, demin that is not a full length jean…NEVER EVER EVER, PERIOD. In fact men in any type of shorts is very questionable outside the beach scene. Here’s why- there is too much room for disaster. Go a little too crazy with those scissors and next thing you know a super ball falls out and you’re being locked up for indecent exposure. Here is the profile of a jort wearing male: teeth optional, mullet, tobacco chewing, moonshine induced liver failure…get the picture?
The Stuffed Sausage Jorts
Nothing looks worse than a person of any size squeezing into something 5 sizes too small for them. Let’s be honest, these jorts didn’t fit her since she was a toddler. Wanna rock a pair of jorts, fine, get a pair in that can cover your caboose. Denim is the least forgiving material, so make sure you don’t have to butter your ass to get into a pair. Hopefully she’s buying a nice moo moo for the tractor ride home.
Basically it’s a denim diaper. I don’t know how or why the high waist short trend started, but it’s not a good one. You know who can get away with high waist shorts? A 75 lb runway model and NOBODY else. Then mixing the high waist trend with denim on a hot summer day just creates a palpable smell and raises the muffin top to blend with the boobs causing the alien like double boob bump. But hey if you want to sport a camel toe in a smelly denim diaper, just walk on the other side of the street.
What is the point of long jorts? Why bother wearing shorts at all, just stick to the full length jeans. Yeah you look really hard core, you know you are basically wearing capri pants (the summer version of the mom jean). These jorts are so long the ankles are the only part of the leg with any freedom. Not to mention that your boxers and whole ass are hanging out of your jorts. This look is definitely suited if you’re off to rob a liquor store or pee on your radiator.
Jort Swim Trunks
Denim at the beach? Really? Save it for the rodeo or daily wear. Imagine throwing a cup of sand down your jeans and pouring a bottle of water down your crotch, then rub. Try for a more breathable fabric that keeps your package free from the sand paper vs. denim show down on your junk.