Valentine’s Day is one of those BS holidays. Stay with me here, you love drunken fools. It’s a sick way of gobbling candy hearts under a fake cloud of forced romance. What is so romantic about this holiday anyways? Didn’t it all start back in the day with some fat kid shooting people with poisoned arrows? True story. Today when this happens, it’s a roofie that shady looking dude slipped you and he’d be arrested. So, whether you are coupled up in love or single and miserable, Valentine’s Day sucks and here’s why.
Anti Valentine’s Day Party
This is about as original as a white party. But, remember those awesome high school slow dances? Well those are over with, now the only dancing you get to do is twerking and convulsing, too bad Prom was the closest you’ll get to a romantic slow dance again. So, we can’t blame nightclubs for trying, it’s Valentine’s Day, so couples are dining and getting busy and singles are crying in a tub of ice cream. So in an effort to drag all the lonely hearts out of their den of depression, the anti- Valentine’s Day party emerged. Break out the voodoo dolls and tequila! So now you are single and hung over congrats!
The Social Media Present Parade
Girls really have some of the most annoying Facebook habits- babies, pets, and duck faces. We girls really are not helping ourselves here, but nothing is quite as annoying as the present posts. ‘Oh look at my new Louie Vuitton bag’, ‘baby got me the cutest new Juicy jumpsuit’, ‘oh isn’t my boo just the bestest’ – BARF! All this really says about you is you’re easy. A little Valentine’s Day gift was all it took to erase the year of your boy’s bad behavior- and I’m sure you deserve something better than a purse, probably more like a car- sucker!
Nothing is less original than a Valentine’s Day proposal. Bet she didn’t see that one coming. Let me guess, next year you are going to have your wedding on Valentine’s Day and ruin it for all your guests when they are forced to celebrate your love and not their own- selfish much?!?! Now let’s see that engagement ring #### posted a million times- ugh! P.S. have you noticed girls usually are in desperate need a manicure and overlook this while in post ring bliss!
If you have not planned ahead, good luck finding a reservation at a nice restaurant. You’ll probably be stuck at Applebee’s, if you’re lucky, but at least there you can wear sweatpants and nobody will bat an eye. Even if you book a nice place, you’ll probably be stuck with a pre fixe meal, that’s right, chicken or fish, just like shitty wedding food options but at a premium cost. Then you’re definitely going to be surrounded by a bunch of sappy ass couples and broken hearted, pissed off wait staff.
The Valentine’s Day Conspiracy Theory
We welcome you to be as cynical as you want this Valentine’s Day. Just be original. That whole – ‘Valentine’s Day is a fake holiday made up by Hallmark to get rich’ excuse is tired. Don’t be bitter because you didn’t think of it first. You know if you weren’t so boring in your sarcasm maybe you’d have a significant other and you’d probably be first in line at Hallmark.
What a horrible gift! This screams cheap! Sorry, but I know a free coupon for a massage from your lover, or a coupon for him to take out the trash, was definitely not on your list. Hey I’m broke and forgot about Valentine’s Day until this morning and this is all I could come up with. Homemade gifts can be nice, but let’s face it, maybe a coupon for things like hugs and sexual favors, things you should be doing anyway, makes zero sense. You should just break up now or you’re in for a lifetime of crappy gifts.
If you want me to break up with you, send me a singing telegram. Nothing would be more horribly embarrassing. If you are going to spend $150 on a singing chicken, please refrain, spend that money on something I can use, not flowers or candy either. Those gifts suck- here’s why-it’s takes zero imagination and is a waste of money. I can pick flowers for free and really a month after she made that New Year’s Eve resolution to lose weight, you’re going to make her get fat on cheap candy? Bravo, now she’s fat and pissed off.
The Sicko Lovey Dove Couples
The worst part of Valentine’s Day is perhaps every other couple of course not you guys. Sure! Those lovey dove assholes are so annoying! Oh shmoopy poopy I love you! And who says, “I love you” over Facebook? You guys are probably sitting across the table from each other at dinner and you still need to post it to each other on Facebook. It’s just to make everyone else jealous and you know that’s true. Sure it’s only a matter of weeks before you are posting cryptic break up messages like- “You broke my heart but you will never break my spirit- you know who you are!”
Romantic Movie Marathons
Who are these all day love movie marathons for? Most couples are out at dinner or busy in the bedroom. So it’s a real evil trick playing love stories for all the singles that are stuck at home alone. Well played Lifetime, well played!
You’re the Biggest Loser
As Valentine’s Day approaches, you may start to panic if you’re single. Start trolling around Facebook for a last minute date, or maybe now is a good time to sign up for Match.com? If you catch yourself running back through all your exs, just stop. Rekindling a dead flame for one night of fake romance is not worth it. And if you’re on the other end of that search and are contacted out of the blue by a random or an ex, it’s probably best to hold off until after Valentine’s when you can go on living like the fierce independent soul you are without the guilt and shame of Valentine’s Day looming over you.